Normally, I love General Conference. I have my own traditions- I make an apple crisp in the fall, and hamentashen in the spring. I take notes in my special conference notebook, and avoid getting out of my pajamas as much as possible, except for my ward’s traditional Conference Sunday brunch. It is a special weekend, and one I always look forward to.
Except, not so much this time. In fact, this time around, I’m actually pretty anxious about it. Last Conference was pretty tough for me. There were a number of talks that I found truly demeaning to me as a woman (these talks were the most inflammatory in my mind, though there were others that hurt to lesser degree). I consider myself a feminist, by which I mean that I am of the firm belief that women and men are equal, and should be treated and respected as such. Several of the messages I heard this past October were not in line with this view.
I am not a member of the Ordain Women movement. I understand and respect the views of those who do advocate for female ordination in the church, but due to personal spiritual experiences, I do not agree. Despite my disagreement, I want to hear and understand the views of those who do believe in female ordination. I become a more educated, more well-rounded person by hearing views different than my own. It’s important to have open conversations with people who think and view things differently in order to expand one’s own worldview. The messages that were so prevalent in October’s General Conference shut down conversation, and prevent us all from learning from each other.
The attitude that only one way of thinking and one set of opinions are welcome in the church is painfully isolating. Even if I do not agree with their cause, or all of their actions, I want to see my sisters who are part of the Ordain Women movement embraced and treated with compassion, as Christ commands all of His followers to treat others. Instead they are treated at best as disobedient children, at worst as lepers. When I joined this Church, I became a Christian. The one-size-must-fit-all mentality that prevails from the pulpit in regards to how we should think and look at those who have different views seems so out of line with Christ’s teachings.
I constantly struggle with feeling out of place in the church, but October’s General Conference, and last weekend’s General Women’s Broadcast brought me to tears from the isolation I felt. I am the only member of the church in my entire family. I am not married. There is no guarantee I will ever get married or have children. Yet my life is still very fulfilling. I have a job I love, that I am good at and that allows me to know I am making a difference in the world. But I am constantly told this will never be as significant, nor will it ever maximize my potential as much as my role “in the home” will, and I am reminded of how my life does not fit with the church’s standard. I don’t know what the future holds for me, but if G-d’s plan does not include marriage and babies and the ideal home outlined by the church, I would like to still be considered good enough to be here.
I hate being pigeon-holed and being forced into a suit of clothes- or dress, as the case may be- that does not fit me. I don’t fit the mold, but I have always believed G-d loves me for me. I just wish I felt the church did, too.
One particularly hurtful message from the last General Relief Society came from Sister Carole M. Stephens, who said (quoting Maria Kuzina, who she spoke about in her talk) “Don’t be offended. That’s ridiculous.” My feelings are not ridiculous. They are very real, and I need to feel that they are being heard. I feel painfully isolated. I feel like I don’t belong here, and that eats at me. I am constantly being reminded of how I don’t fit in. In the General Women’s Broadcast last weekend, Primary General President Rosemary M. Wixom hummed the tune of Teach Me to Walk in the Light and invited all the young girls to join in for the first verse, and then all the women to join in the second verse. No lyrics were provided. You were just expected to know the words to the hymn. Fortunately, I think I committed this hymn to memory a few years ago, but this brought back difficult memories of being a recent convert and being the only one who didn’t know the words to a hymn. I felt like an idiot and an outcast. If you think such feelings are “ridiculous” I would invite you to join a new culture without any family or friends by your side, and let me know what “ridiculous” things you feel.
I don’t fit the mold for the typical Mormon woman. Normally I embrace this and wear it proudly, but recently, I have struggled to see this as a badge of honor, rather than a scarlet letter. This is difficult and wearisome. President Uchtdorf said last October that “there is a place for [me]” in the church. Normally I believe that, but being bombarded with messages to the contrary, as I was in October and last weekend, makes it hard for me to hold on to this belief. But I will cling to it, because I need the church. I love the church, and I love what my life has become because of it. But as conference weekend draws nearer, I find myself becoming increasingly anxious. And I don’t think I’m being ridiculous.
K Comes Through 
I agree a lot with this. I go to BYU, and I’m constantly feeling like I’m completely different than the mold here (I don’t date, listen to punk music, don’t love Disney, and I wear band t shirts every day). Although I love the gospel, the culture surrounding it is what bothers me. I’ve had people tell me I’ll never get married if I don’t change parts of myself that are essential to who I am. I don’t think you’re being ridiculous with being anxious. It makes me sad to see those who are different get treated like their opinions, thoughts, and feelings just don’t really matter.
I just like to look at it as being part of the solution. The more mormons there are that don’t fit the mold, the more the mold will have to change. It’s been a stupidly slow process, but we’re getting there, probably. Keep in mind that church leadership is full of old people. I think we’re going through a very generational change right now.
ps. Heyy I’ve been looking for a punk music friend at BYU. Whatchu like? Babes in Toyland? Crying Nut? The Epoxies? Star *** Hipsters? Can we be fraaaans?
You know, the church isn’t actually “true.” Your spiritual experiences are actually just feelings and emotions. Most people have them in whatever religious tradition they adhere to. Why do you think your spiritual experiences actually are the “true” ones? That’s rather arrogant of you. I’m tired of seeing so much pain for a pile of bullshit. The best advice you could follow is run, and run fast.
I feel you so hard, sister.
Dude. I’m just getting into the punk scene, I’m open to anything that sounds good! Dude. Let’s be friends.
I can appreciate that. I don’t fit the mold, either. For me, what helps is to remind myself of the many experiences I’ve had that have taught me of the reality of my Savior and the truth of the core of His Gospel. Yes, the culture is… strange. But I think there are some breakthroughs in the works. I’ve been reading Sheri Dew’s book “Women And The Priesthood” lately, and it is incredibly uplifting. She has a great outlook on the many ways women contribute to the world and the Church, she talks a lot about our Heavenly Father’s love for and expectations for his daughters. Don’t let the culture scare you away. Hold fast to the truth that’s at the core of this Church, hold fast to your relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and be the change you wish to see in the culture. (By the way, I think you do that a lot already–your blogs have a LOT of circulation and influence. I think you’re doing a lot of good.)
I share your anxiety. Last Oct was SO HARD and I fear this time will be worse.
((HUGS)) I hear you. Your Heavenly Parents hear you. I feel your pain and I share it. Every time someone in the Church does something hurtful this scripture verse immediately pops into my mind, “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34) I’m reminded that so often the people who harm us the most have no concept of the pain they are causing. They have no idea that what they do is so harmful and so hurtful. Your pain isn’t ridiculous and you’re not “being offended,” but rather feeling very legitimate emotions. You’re feeling the pain of being excluded and the pain of walking this journey so isolated and alone. The thing that has been most challenging to me in my faith journey is that I left behind my family of origin and many friends to embrace the restored gospel and then was promptly excluded from both the culture I left and the one I joined [within the LDS Church]. I’ve tried for the past 6 years to explain to members of my ward what they do culturally to new members and how amazing it is that we converts can endure. Most of the members who aren’t converts just can’t understand it and they don’t see it with our eyes. I wish they could and I wish our leaders could as well, but until they can I’ll try to remember my Savior’s example.
I don’t know you personally. But, I admire your courage to share with this unknown audience your anxieties, fears, and hesitations. I grew up in this Church and have experienced many doubts along the way. Though I think many would consider me a cookie-cutter mold of a traditional Mormon female, I often feel out of place, especially in my family. I’m the only single person, I’ve got a great professional career that I really enjoy, I didn’t serve a mission, and the list goes on. After years and years of frustrations and feeling out of place, even in my own family, the Lord found a way to let me know that he needed me to be exactly who I was because I would be able to be an influence for good in ways that others couldn’t do. You are exactly who you need to be as well, and you have opened my eyes in how to be a better support to those who are struggling in life, how to be less judgmental towards all those I encounter, and overall how to be more like my Savior. Thank you for teaching me by your example. I know you’ll find the answers you need. Keep trying. The Lord loves you. We love you.
I know that some of the messages of conference will be hard to hear, but I am also confident you will find some messages that will soothe your soul and provide guidance and comfort. Those speaking at conference are inspired to speak to a global church and not every message will be right for every person. Heavenly Father will speak to you through the spirit and help you get what you need from conference. The message will be a personal one for you..
I was curious what you didn’t like of the Women’s Conference? Was it just the singing or was there something else that stood out to you? I watched it with my wife and really enjoyed it actually 🙂 I thought Sister Oscarson’s remarks about being inclusive and not judging others was a perfect message. Her whole talk was directed at those that feel excluded and left out.
Although I’m a lifelong member, I also know the anxiety of feeling isolated in the Church. I believe most of us feel it at some point. At least that’s what I’ve felt ever since my saintly, very traditional grandmother told me about the time, now years ago, when she walked out of relief society crying and fuming and vowed to never go back. Fortunately, a good RS president called her right away to apologize for things others had said.
They say that the Church is a stone cut out of a mountain without hands, rolling down the slope to envelope the whole earth. I know it’s true, and the pain we feel is part of that rolling.
We love you. Keep writing.
Agreed. On so many levels.
“They say that the Church is a stone cut out of a mountain without hands, rolling down the slope to envelope the whole earth. I know it’s true, and the pain we feel is part of that rolling.” So beautiful. Thanks.
K, I ADORE your frankness and your perspective! I think that many lifelong members either have forgotten or simply don’t know how to reach out and help converts, but your words have helped me find ways to be more inclusive and caring toward people that I wouldn’t otherwise know how to help. Reading your post here made me think of a few things and I hope you won’t think me too forward in sharing.
Some years ago, Elder Holland gave a talk that mentioned how complex it is to prepare a talk for General Conference. They are tasked to speak to a wide audience – lifelong members, converts, active members, inactive members, non-members, married, widows, divorce, single, people struggling with their testimonies, people with difficult trials, people who need to be called to repentance, people seeking comfort, critics of the church, young, old, male, female, rich, poor, all cultures and ethnicities – and do all that within a 10-15 minute talk. And sometimes, the speaker is saying something that you may not need to hear – or even that it is difficult to understand. I have had times when a General Conference speaker is saying something that I just cannot come to terms with (usually it’s Elder Bednar, Elder Oaks, or Elder Christofferson – those three in particular have such a direct and pointed way of speaking that I have a hard time connecting with on a personal level). And, I admit, I sometimes have a hard time accepting what is being said. In those moments, I have learned to say “Heavenly Father, this is a hard topic for me to deal with right now. Please let me feel the Spirit and Thy love for me.” When I focus on the Spirit in the meeting and let that teach me rather than what is actually being said across the pulpit, I learn some wonderful lessons that have nothing to do with the speaker’s words (something similar has also helped during those incredibly awkward and obnoxious “Marriage is awesome!!!!!11!! Everything else is terrible!!!” talks that routinely come up in a YSA sacrament meeting – ugh!)
I’m not sharing this to be all “I’ve been a member all my life, thus I have all the answers” because that’s not right either (the person who purports to have “all the answers” is a dirty rotten liar). It took me a long time to figure this out and your post inspired me to share – I hope it helps. You are always in my prayers and I hope this Conference is much better for you (and can I just say – I love that you have created your own traditions around Conference!)
Also – your family may not be members of the church, but they raised you and taught you to be the person that would recognized Heavenly Father’s love. Because of that, you have gained such a strong testimony of the gospel and that has gone on to influence so many others for good. Some of the people I most respected on my mission were not the people I taught and who were converted, but their families who weren’t interested in the gospel themselves, but still supported their child/sibling/relative who was making this huge decision. Your folks deserve all the love, respect, and honor just as much (if not more) as if you grew up in an LDS family – not just from you, but from people like me who read your blogs and how you write about them. I love them just because they’re your family!
It occurs to me that I ought to link to the talk by Elder Holland that I mentioned: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/an-ensign-to-the-nations?lang=eng
I’m right there with you, hon. It’s breaking my heart to see so many wonderful people feel isolated and alone within the church . . . and it broke my heart even more when I realized I was one of those wonderful people.
As long as I’m in this faith, you’ve got a place in it–right next to me. And it’s not even because you run a wonderful tumblr that helps keep me laughing and sane, although that is awesome. It’s because you’re a child of G-d and you have every right to a place in His church.
You summed it up for me. I appreciate hearing there is a place for me from one person, but frankly that is being drowned out by the vast, vast number of other people telling me that there is not. I’m getting emotionally and spiritually exhausted from it all…
I was anxious in October–and had much the same experience you describe. I was so angry, hurt, and frustrated by some of the things I heard that I almost just turned it off and walked away. I didn’t, which is good because then I heard two other talks. So, yes. You describe it perfectly. My anxiety level has been escalating.
My anxiety is not just for me. I have a 17-year-old daughter.
I had other commitments during the Women’s Meeting.
You mention the new culture. I started attending (Orthodox) shul on occasion many years ago, in additional to my regular church attendance. There is a local rabbi who is really insightful, and I learn from his commentary and teachings. Yes, different culture. I still feel very awkward at times. Because of school demands, I don’t go often enough to ever get past that awkwardness. Your feelings are not ridiculous.
Our concerns over what is taught and expressed are not ridiculous. Wanting to have a place in our religion and church, in our organization as well as the eternal gospel, is not ridiculous. Our feelings of betrayal are not ridiculous. Therefore, our feelings of trepidation are not ridiculous.
I pray that all of us may be blessed with comfort and peace, that I may be patient, and that our leaders may be blessed with wisdom and discernment in their choice of words and message.
Kate @ BJJ, Law, and Living
More and more, I feel like we need to find a way to stop thinking there’s this “Mormon mold.” I fit that stereotype in a lot of ways– I was raised in the church, attended BYU (and loved my time there), served a mission, eventually got married and had a bunch of kids… And yet, I’ve always thought I didn’t fit the Mormon mold at all. In my family, we never did crafts or learned to cook or did food storage. We would much rather sit around reading murder mysteries! And I consider myself a feminist, which seems to be outside the norm…
My husband is similar. He was raised in the church by his mother, but since his father isn’t a member, he thinks of himself as being different from the mold.
I can’t think of a single person who would consider themselves a perfect cast of that Mormon mold, although I’m sure someone else might look at them and see it. But we all know our own imperfections (or, in this case, just our differences– I don’t think not knowing how to can stuff is a sin!) and feel like they create barriers between us and others. I wish we could tear it all down somehow, although I don’t know how. I guess just striving to show love and compassion– mourning with those that mourn, even if we don’t even understand why they’re mourning…
I keep hearing this… yet the feelings of “I’m not a typical Mormon” are still so real. One thing, I think, that would help is if people actually talked about the things they are struggling with – whether that’s prayer, going to/having church activities, faith, or even things like addictions. Instead, so often, we all go to church and just hear the “happy” and the wonderful spiritual moments. I get that we go to church to be uplifted and edified, but sometimes I just want someone to identify with.
I recently read a thread on By Common Consent that talked about the church magazines and how unfulfilling they can be. Again, reaching a large audience, easily understandable, etc., etc., but there’s so little meat in many of the articles. My point in bringing that up is that many members were saying that that magazine is written for the members the church wants us to be, not necessarily the members that we are – real, struggling with real problems. Please don’t think I’m trashing the Ensign – I’m sure that it is helpful for some people… at times since my conversion it’s been helpful to me. But overall, it’s just… meh.
Anyway, my real point from this whole long comment is that intellectually, I think we all vaguely understand that we’re not alone. But to feel that way emotionally is a whole other battle.
Thank you. 🙂
I’m right there with you. I recently wrote some similar feelings with how I’ve been able to find the good in the painful, seemingly insensitive remarks. Maybe it can be of use to you, maybe not. But know that you’re not alone feeling anxious. http://minimanifestos.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-blessing-and-curse-of-general.html
I’m with you, dear one.
I wish I could sit next to you and watch Conference together. I want you to know that I might have grown up in the West and in the Church, but people like YOU make me feel welcome in the Church. Dialogue, openness, consideration, plurality of ideas are all things I value, and I struggle feeling like those things are so variable ward to ward. I hope you never leave, sister! I need you here. 🙂
I have also been frustrated by how this has played out – and at the General Women’s meeting I want you to know that when they had us sing, my FIRST thought was for all my sisters who might not know the words and might feel awkward/hurt at not being able to sing along. My cheeks burned and I ached for how they might feel – there are thousands of our sisters who fall into that category. (Side note – why didn’t they put the words at the bottom like they do for all the hymns? Was it a glitch or an oversight? Why didn’t they announce it was hymn 304 and invite everyone to pull out a book?)
I think I’m most hurt because I feel like there have been set up two “ends” of this issue – with the Church leadership on one side and Ordain Women on the other, and a huge number of us in the middle that just want to have a conversation.
I do have one hopeful thought – I happen to have a husband in local leadership, and so I get to see ‘behind the scenes’ on a lot, and I’m encouraged by the following: The Church leaders are quite often a LOT more open and thoughtful and in agreement with “us” than it appears – it’s just that they don’t “show their work.” They frequently consult with members, each other, auxiliaries, hold councils, look at research, consider incredibly complex situations – all the things that we’d hope they do, but we only see the end result and not the process. Whenever I’ve been privy to the process, I’ve found that my feelings of frustration are lessened. I think so much good could be done if the processes ALREADY in place were made more transparent. I’m not saying there doesn’t need to be change, but I do take some solace in seeing how things do work, because it’s more complex than what you see from the pulpit. So there’s that at least.
Sending love to you, sister. Real, true, arms-open love.
We are here for you K! You are such a great example to so many people, and your testimony is amazing. A couple times over the past year or so since I’ve discovered your blog, when I’ve had a hard time, I’ve thought of your amazing testimony. And how it shines through it what seems to be some dark moments for you. So, THANK YOU for that. You are doing a great good.
Based on some experiences I’ve had over the past year or so (family member diagnosed with dementia, intense friend/roommate drama that hasn’t ever healed, & recent tough phone call from a girl in my ward), I feel like Heavenly Father is telling me that one trial of life we all go through is dealing with other people. And how crappy they make us feel, and sometimes how crappy we make others feel (cause we all know we do that sometimes). And it is SO SO SO hard hard to deal with sometimes I just want to swear for an hour straight and throw something glass off my deck. Which now that I admit that out loud sounds scary, but I think you know what I mean. 🙂
There’s a hymn (True to the Faith, #254, verse 3) that has a line in it…”we will work out our salvation.” and I think that line is incredibly fascinating. I don’t believe our works save us, but I think good works can change us–beat down our pride, perfect our weaknesses, and increase our charity–and that is what prepares us to enter His kingdom. And dealing with the bad experiences you’ve had and remaining positive is HARD WORK, the “work of salvation” that verse talks about. I think G-d is SO proud of you for remaining faithful to your testimony and to the truth. And so am I. Don’t forget that ok? We are rooting for you and for everyone else who needs a friend. G-d bless you.
I understand. Last general conference brought me into a bit of a crisis of faith. I expressed my worries about this time to the awesome people at Mormons Building Bridges, and found a lot of comfort there- they’re a phenomenal support group I’ve come to love, and I think you might, too. I don’t know if the same thing would help you, but I’ve decided to take a break this time around and watch talks one at a time, but getting input from like-minded friends on the ones I might consider avoiding. I’m also disconnecting from social media for the weekend, too, as it deepens the pain to see the words of conference held up like a weapon, or at best, and “I told you so!”
Just came across this article, and I thought of your post. I too found some of the talks last General Conference to be coming from a perspective that I’m just not on board with — and this can indeed feel alienating. But then others of them were truly excellent, full of a spirit and a resonance that moved me deeply. I think it’s just what this article describes (Kirby has long been a favorite). http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/lifestyle/57765695-80/conference-general-talk-talks.html.csp. “I’ll hear a lot of stuff during general conference. Some of it won’t apply to me. Some of it will. And some I might not even agree with. Being Mormon, I figure my job is to listen to the talks (or wait for the conference reports to come out) and then make up my mind. Been doing that for 40 years and I haven’t led myself astray yet.” Know that you’re not alone, and that your perspective, feelings and experiences are as valid as any that correspond to a perceived traditional Mormon culture. They are real — and looking at the comments above, it would seem that you have made a considerable number of us feel less alienated, ourselves, by being open with them. Love, KLD
I think you are surrounded her by women that feel similar. I’m down in Dallas and surrounded by brilliant, well educated women who are doing great things in the world and have worked their way into fantastic careers and great spots in the community. We’re not married and knowing things run on the Lord’s timing, we trust we are where we are supposed to be at this point. But in this church where it is so family focused, I think it’s easy to feel left out at times. I know that’s my struggle lately, and many in my ward down here. It’s not so much of a wo is me situation though — we trust our Father and still work to be active members of society, improving our world and the lives around us. But without that one piece it can feel a bit isolating. Amidst it all we do our best to stay close to our Father and trust in his timing. All I’m trying to say is that you’re definitely not alone and it was great to read this. I’m looking forward to this weekend to get some answers and comfort on this. The world has changed so much and the brethern are definitely aware of this, so I hope to see some comforting words.
I look like I fit the mold in nearly every way (pioneer stock, served a mission, married in the temple, but no babies yet) but sister friend. I need you. I need your perspective, your humanity, your gospel insights. The whole church needs you. I’m sorry things have been hard. I’ve felt alienated at times to. Thanks for being so honest about what it’s like.
Thank you for this. Last October’s Conference definitely triggered some massive spiritual trauma in me as well, and I feel like I’m going to watch Conference this weekend “in crash position,” bracing myself for something that’s going to shatter my sense of self-worth again. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone.
You are awesome. I’m married and have kids, but I don’t fit the mold because of my strong feminist ideas and because I am an LGBT ally. I’m beginning to realize that the only part of the church that works for me is Christ. I can find him at other churches (with a message of social justice and compassion for all people, all families, not just those that fit a 1950s ideal). I’m thankful for people like you that can still find the good and show the best of this church, but I just can’t handle another letdown like I did 6 months ago. I think I’m out.
Thank you for this! I don’t think any of us really feel like we fit the mold, and sometimes, it’s hard to remember that that’s okay. Actually, it’s necessary in a true Zion community. I had similar feelings of isolation while listening to those talks last October, but now I’ll know that I’m not the only one! There’s a place for us here, too.
Not Mormon, but oh, do I remember the hymn thing from the church I converted into. And I just very recently ended a stint of singleness, and I do remember so much how crazy lonely it can be to go to church on Sunday and hear all this talk about how families are the cornerstone of everything. I’d sit there, unmarried, unpartnered, the only believer in my family, and just feel alienated. I don’t fit the church mold, and I’ve found a way to deal with it. But it’s hard, so hard. Let’s hope this GC turns out okay…or you can at least drown your sorrows in hamentashen! Good luck.
You inspired me to blog my own experience: http://butyouaremadeofbones.blogspot.com/2014/04/getting-real-for-minute.html
I agree with this post so much.
I think it’s time we change the mold. Like, let’s expect that every Mormon is a feminist (aka believes “that women and men are equal, and should be treated and respected as such”) because that’s really basic doctrine imo and therefore those who don’t believe it are the “alternative” kind of Mormons… And let’s expect that everyone is a “Buffet Mormon” (because everyone is >_> no one can do the whole gamut of Mormon things, and no one does, and that’s why everyone feels like they are falling short from the ideal or have given up on even trying). A Buffet Mormon is a person who picks and chooses which things within the culture they do and don’t do. Some Mormons don’t can food or do food storage, some don’t read their scriptures as a family, some don’t have spouses and kids, some swear, some drink Coke, some watch R-rated movies, some watch TV on Sundays, some don’t go on missions, some don’t attend anything else than sacrament meeting, some wear pants to church, some wear short skirts, some have unconventional hairdos, some have tattoos, etc… And let’s just be okay with that. And lets have that be a part of the interestingness of associating with other Mormons, discovering “how are you, different individual human being, applying this religion in your life” instead of judging.
Just wanted to send you some love and support and let you know there are more of us out there.
There are many of us. You said my thoughts exactly. I’m married…but in a struggling home and a tempestuous one. Being “different,” it is…hard. I’m starting to get better at seeing all those who are “different” in many ways, who don’t fit in the general cliques. May we all seek them out and let them know that we can stand together, in our differences…
Side’ve been married 19 years and we don’t have kids. I’ve felt all these church culture judgments come down on my head at one time or another (or a few hundred times) but after a dozen or so years, I’m done with being crushed by them. Conference talks can be brutal, but I will always hang in there because gems the likes of which we got from President Uchtdorf (I would have stood up and cheered of I hadn’t been weeping so hard) and Elder Holland. We have an incredible group of ladies over at http://www.childlessmormonsupport.com who have a lot to offer to members who find themselves living outside the LDS cultural norm. I think you would empathize with a lot of the blog posts 🙂 As frustrated as I can get, I know things will never change if there are none of us there to show the way. My greatest hope is to see a generation of LDS women whose self-worth is not devastated when they are not wives and/or mothers, because they are so confident in who they are as individual daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves them and will give them all they need to fulfill their own divine purposes here on earth and absolutely find joy therein. Our YW and YSA have lots of examples of how to be a great wife and mother. Examples of strong, confident, educated, hopefully righteous women who have a career, are willing to serve, are happy and celebrating their lives sans a husband and/or kids… not so much. Let it begin with me, and you, and all our other sisters who are moving forward in faith while living completely outside of the traditional Mormon box 🙂
Sorry for all the typos… typing on a screen and autocorrect are a bad combo!
When Sister Wixom did the song thing, my first thought was of you and your post about how we should stop assuming everyone knows the words. I think those who grew up in the Church, especially in Utah where there is such a high concentration of members, just aren’t as used to new converts and so, unfortunately, don’t think about this often enough.
As for the priesthood thing, I could go on a bit, but I’ll just post the link to a blog post I read an hour ago and leave it at that: http://sarahscrnr.blogspot.com/2014/04/women-and-priesthoodagain.html
Also, I think too often in the Church we talk about striving for the ideal and leave the “but if you can’t do that…” as an afterthought. I’ll admit I shoot for the ideal and always emphasize it just in case it might be downplayed or thought of as unimportant, but we do need to focus more on making the best of our situations. Not everyone can make the ideal, nor should they be expected to given the circumstances in which God has placed them, and too much focusing on the ideal can be painful (marriage for people fed up with dating or who have had abusive relationships/experiences, children for people struggling with infertility, assuming people understand the basics of something without considering the possibility that there are converts to whom all of this is new, etc.)
I recently commented on a news story about the church not allowing the press to be present for the very first time ever this general conference, and someone I knew from my home ward growing up responded with “if you don’t like the church the way it is, then find a different church.” It is the complete lack of empathy and the apparent unwillingness to treat people with whom we disagree with Christlike compassion that makes it hard to ever give serious thought to returning.
PS: The above said, there are communities among the Saints (both online and in real life) with whom you may find solace. Love to you for all the smiles you bring to so many, K.
I immediately thought of two amazing single sisters who have been a part of the Relief Society General Presidency in years past: Sheri Dew, and Barbara Thompson. I remember them both giving amazing talks about how it feels to be a single sister in the church. I encourage you to go look up these two women and read their talks. They are amazing. I also felt like Sister Oscarson’s talk from the Women’s conference was incredible as well, and just what we needed. She really harped on the fact that we need to focus on our similarities instead of our differences, and love each other better. I really loved that message.
I also feel like the talks that have been given in the past were celebretory of women and our divine qualities. Women usually dominate in the Primary callings, and of course in YW, where we have an amazing opportunity to bless the lives of children and youth. One of the best YW leaders I ever had was a women who was married (to a non-member) but has never had any children. I know she may have felt like she did not fit the mold, but I learned so much from her and see her as an amazing example to me.
Another thing is that we are promised that even if we do not marry or have children in this life, if we are faithful we will have both of those opportunities in the next. It may feel difficult to continue to hear about how to build a great familiy, but we know that all the knowledge we attain in this life will rise with us in the life to come, so really, we’re just gaining knowledge that we can apply at a much later date. It’s hard, but for me I always try to take whatever lesson or talk, and see how I can apply it in my life, even though I do not have children, I still interact with others’ children, and I can still apply some of the same principles.
Its good to keep in mind that even the apostles are not perfect, and they may say something one time that might hurt your feelings, but we have been told to follow what the majority of the Brethren are saying, over time. (President Spencer W. Kimball said some very harsh things in the past, both about those who have same-gender attraction, and the use of birth control. All of it can be traced back to only him and his views have been softened significantly in recent years by the brethren.) Hang in there! And as everyone else has said, and I agree, we all feel at times as if we don’t fit the mold, even if everything on the outside may look perfect.
I love your writing, your humor, and your spot-on insights into Mormon culture. You are not alone in feeling isolated or like you don’t fit. I’m a lifelong member of the LDS Church, raised by a single mom in Utah County (the heart of Mormondom on Earth), a feminist, and still single at 31. I know what it’s like to feel rubbed the wrong way by well-intentioned but insensitive comments, whether in General Conference or Sacrament meeting talks. I try to remember that even though this is the Lord’s Church, it’s still run by imperfect people and none of that has anything to do with my own personal relationship with G-d. Hang in there and keep sharing your voice. We need more people like you.
It is quite interesting how the perspective each of us has is so vastly different from one another that we can listen to the same talks and get something completely different out of it. I listened to those same talks both last week and in the october general conference and I found them to be very empowering and inspiring as to my role of a young woman and a future relief society member. But who knows, I’m one of those stereotyped mormons who was born and raised in the church in a little Utah city.
I agree with what others have said about how there really is no normal. There are just a lot of stereotypes out there that people feel inclined to uphold. There will come a day though when we turn our thoughts away from the mold and our comparisons about how well we fit in with that mold and turn our thoughts to how we look to Heavenly Father. Because really that is all that matters. Who cares about what anybody else thinks? They judge by the outward appearance but Heavenly Father judges on the heart.
Something I immediately thought of while reading your post is a talk given by President Uchtdorf two and a half years ago to the women of the church title “Forget Me Not.” It is one of my favorites and I would suggest reading it.
I also hope that there were some talks given in this morning’s session that gave you some further insight and hope for the future of the church and its’ members. I especially hope that what Elder Holland said about how Christ-like love is what the world needs and President Eyring’s comments about the need to love and respect others despite their person beliefs helped calm some of the anxiety you felt coming into general conference.
On a different note, although I was born and raised in Utah with the gospel as a central focus of my life I still had to go through my own personal conversion to the gospel just like anybody else who is a convert to the gospel of Jesus Christ (so I hope you do not take this as a life-time member telling a convert what to do and how to be a better disciple). My conversion story happened when one day I looked around me and felt like I didn’t fit in. I was surrounded by members of the gospel but essentially I was alone. Thankfully, that is when I was able to receive and love the fundamental principle of the Atonement. I came to realize that the Atonement not only forgives us of our own sins but it is an empowering strength in time of need and, more importantly for me at the time, is the way that I can share my personal cross with Christ. Through the Atonement I was able to turn all of the sorrow and loneliness that I felt over to Christ so that He could help me. Since then I have still had times that I felt alone and unappreciated by others but I know that my Heavenly Father and Christ love me and appreciate me. They always have my back and are there when I need them so I know that I am never alone.
I hope that something I have shared has been able to touch your heart. Please know that you are never alone and that there are always people who are willing to be there for you! We are all brothers and sisters and I know that there are those who are striving to live up to that name.
Lovely thoughts, Rebekkah. Very well said.
Friend, I hear you. I want to reach out to you and hug you and save you a seat in Church. I admire your strength, holding into Christ and the Church even though you feel alone even where you should have friends. The beauty is in you – in your heart – in your enduring sacrifice. It is not dependent on anyone’s approval.
Christ was alone during His life, even among friends, even among people you should have known who He was, and sometimes bearing His cross means walking alone. He will NEVER leave you. He will help you digest all of what Conference holds and understand how to apply it to yourself. I missed the part of Women’s Conference you refer to, but I saw the message differently – not as a message that we need to have children in order to be happy, but that as we keep all of our sacred covenants, we have access to all the blessings the Lord has in store for His faithful daughters.
As one who does fit the mold, let me tell you that I need people like you, and so does the Church. We need your faith, determination, and selfless example. And if I see you at Church, I hope you’ll excuse my loud children and come sit by me. I’d love to have you over to my house after Church. Keep on – the Lord sees your heart and your sacrifice – and He promises it will be worth it.
I was anxious about Conference too and it’s been hard to take at times – you’re not alone there either.
I’ve been struggling myself lately. As a non-Republican, feminist, working mom. Today I felt impressed by the Spirit, reminding me about all those many times Heavenly Father has guided and led my life. He sent me to Georgetown. He prompted me to start my family in grad-school. He got me through illness and finished my Master’s. I have so many moments in my life where I feel I have been guided. And that, the memory of that, often gets me through my difficult moments. When I feel that sometimes all I can do is just trudge on.
I am grateful for your voice. For your perspective and concerns. You are needed.
A lot of people do get anxious especially if it is about something they care about. I personally got my first anxiety attack because of a rejection from a job that I wanted to have badly, I found ways to manage my anxiety though because I learned from my research that a little bit of anxiety can help us perform our best. When I learned about my anxiety the first thing the thought about was how I can get rid of it but then I discovered than instead of completely getting of it I should try to control it to my benefits. So far that is what I’m trying to do and I am hopeful that it will turn out for the best.
Hi,
We just got word that my son-in-law’s father died this morning of cancer. So there have been tears and regrets, particularly since everyone had planned to travel out for a wedding next weekend that was jumped forward expressly so Dad could be in attendance.
With all the sad, I wanted something to make me happy. And flipping through Amen Already always does that for me.
I’m sorry the past bit has made you feel anxious. ::Hugs::